Tag Archive | sadness

The Tunnel of Life

In the tunnel of life we are always told to keep facing forward. Our eyes must remain fixed in place at all costs. Even on our most broken days, we must keep marching towards the tunnel’s illuminated endpoint.

The light at the end of the tunnel holds the All of Everything we need to finally be whole. Redemption awaits us there. The banquet tables of celebration are set in anticipation of our arrival.

We are not to question anything. We are not to notice that the light seems to move farther from us with each step. The light is not for the weary of faith. It is for the believers. Believers never question.

Eyes forward, no questions.

Keep marching.

The world and its wisdom shouts at us to keep trudging. Even if we stumble and twist our ankle, we grab some crutches and go.

The light waits for no one.

We march in packs mostly, but today, as exhaustion settles into me, I find myself unable to keep pace. At first, I slow my gait. Eventually, when this does not quell my malaise, I come to a halt.

I am not going to make it to the light.

My hands scrape down the tunnel as I fold my legs into a seat on the floor.

It is cold. It is damp.

It reeks of utter defeat.

I try to comfort myself. I gave it everything I had.

It was not enough.

I begin to accept the quiet possibility that I am not enough. I am not made for this journey. The light is not meant for me.

My heart drops low in my chest. As my senses adjust to the absence of light, a spark at the edge of my despair catches my eye. Fear forces me to avert my gaze.

Yet, it is persistent.

Soon, the all of my sadness is alight with bursting, blinding, brightness. It fills my being, my heart, and my soul. The entire tunnel is shining. I am able to see in all directions. The past, the present, the future.

As I take in this new source of light, I notice for the first time the full magnificence of the tunnel as it is.

Right here, right now.  This moment, this beauty.

It is everything.

Until now, I never considered the tunnel was beauty.  No one ever said the tunnel itself was beautiful.

If I never make it out, I have enough right here to sustain me.  Here I am fed by eternal, untouchable beauty and reminded of my inner light.

The tunnel and I are one.

The tunnel is the light.

Therefore, I am the light.

I am the light.

I have always been the light.

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The Slanted Rays of Healing

If the ground shifts beneath you it is okay to fall down.  You can stay there for as long as you need.

You do not need to try to get up.  In fact, it is better to feel where you are even if it hurts.

I am here in the dark.

It is in this inky bleakness I have discovered an immutable truth.

Even the depth of night holds unspeakable beauty.

Abundance is all around.  It is in the sky, written in the stars and stamped across the horizon.

Our hearts can hurt but our minds can turn to Love.

Pain levels have nothing to do with awakening.  We can hurt and awaken.  We can have peace and awaken.

We can be both and awaken.

Suffering exists for some and is pushed away by many.  For those awake enough to turn towards the discomfort, rays of healing slant their way in like sunbeams slicing through a window shutter.

It does not make the pain go away, but it might change our relationship to it.

A step back, a breath in and a heart turned inward;

this is where you find yourSelf.

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Ignited

I lived and breathed fire.

It surrounded me.

Flames raged at uncertain intervals.  I never knew what the day held for me except for fear.

Every morning I would open my door with care and test the outside temperature.  Most days were cool, some days balmy and the worst days scorched at my soul.

I greeted this uncertainty by becoming my version of invisible.  Whatever beauty I held began to fade away.

The layers of soot and ash had cloaked my authenticity until even years and distance could not deny what I had lived. Until I could no longer deny living meant more than surviving.  It meant facing the fire in its entirety.  It meant walking through walls of flames for days and days.

I flailed through the heat and the hurt with everything I had.  Pain pounded at me from every angle.  I fell to the earth, folded myself over and waited for as long as it took.

Time blurred as the flames roared over me.

I did not recoil as I had no fight left in me.

If this was my ending, I had made my peace.

Through my pain I held onto this peace as it was always a notch beneath the fire that consumed me.  As I focused on it and not on my pain, the raging fire faded from view.

My heart glowed for the first time, lit from Within.

Quiet in its power the only burn remaining was Truth.

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All of Us

Today is the day I understood that everything was my gift.  All experiences; good, bad, indifferent, were planted in my path so that I may stumble my way to Freedom.

Each sad day, every difficult choice and all the emotions that pierced my heart were reaching out to my soul, beckoning me Home.

While I see the gifts of the All, I go back and forth between worlds.  Still a part of what I knew while growing my awareness of my Freedom State.

Today, I say thank you to every One that seemed to break my heart.

Their pain was a mirror of mine so I could see what I was too afraid to look at.

What a beautiful gift you are to me.  What a beautiful gift you are to the world.

May all beings be free from sorrow.  May all beings find their way Home.  May All of Us know our Path is draped in Love.

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Choices

Every day life presents us with a choice.  But first, we have to acknowledge this choice exists.  This realization could happen in an instant or take years of dismantling our beliefs.

Either way, the choice exists and when we are ready, we must select the one that fits us best.

This is simple but our minds may not be ready to see it as so.

I finally see the choices clearly.  One has me part of the world, fighting each day for peace in my heart.  The other holds the stairs that will transcend me beyond the world.  If I remain in the fight, it will appear I am not alone.  If I choose the stairs, it will appear I am completely alone.

The choices are real, but the assumptions I have about them are false.

The stairs hold True Connection.  The world holds everything else.

Either choice does not fit me.

Both break my heart in different ways.

I am not ready to choose.

I am adrift in my indecision.

All I am ready to do is honor my confusion.

So, I sit at this bend in my spiritual road and rest for a while.

All decisions in the world symbolically reflect exactly where I am.  If you are tired and you are confused, come and rest with me for a while.

We will wait here together.

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Suffering as Grace

There is a difference between pain and suffering.

Pain is a natural result of an emotional or physical injury.  It is contained to a specific act or event.  If pain is left to its own devices, it will run its course and return the injured party to peace.

Suffering happens when we argue with our pain.  When we label pain or judge it harshly, it begins to bleed on to our character, our hopes and our dreams.  We suffer deeply as a result.  Immersed in this complexity, our hearts are cut off from Love.

Pain, though uncomfortable, quickly moves through us.  Pain has a purpose.  Pain will help us return to wholeness.

In contrast, suffering spreads like hot lava until we forget we were ever whole.  The burning edges of it singe every facet of our existence.

There are things our eyes cannot see and our hearts cannot know until will break ourselves free from old ways of thinking.

Sometimes we need to demolish these patterns through suffering.

Take heart for what remains is deliverance.

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Nothing Was the Same

Dawn crept through the curtains and stirred her to wakefulness.  The haze of sleep clung to her and made her forget, at least for a second or two, that nothing was the same.

In a rush that left her breathless, she remembered.

Her world was like an upside-down snow globe that shook with fury.  She could not right herself no matter how hard she tried.

Nothing was the same.

Where she lived, who she knew and even the sky above her kept changing and swirling.

Whatever she grasped left as quickly as it arrived.

Nothing was the same.

Her heart burst open to the newness that surrounded her every breath, her every step.

Life was transforming for her.  Life was leading her to a brighter awareness.  One that relied less on things not changing and more on the things that do.

Change made her wary but it also made her strong.

She was not ready to see her rebirth in those first rays of the morning sunlight.  She only could accept that nothing was the same.

She snuggled down deep into the folds of her bedclothes and made a promise to herself.

If the snow globe that contained her life needed to unfurl in unexpected ways, she would not judge where or how the pieces settled.

All she had to do was let them do so without interference.

Her fate was no longer hers.

She exhaled.

That was all she could do.

 

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