I often wondered why the spiritual path was so painful for me.  Starting out, I thought it would relieve suffering, but initially, and for a years’ long stretch of time, it made my suffering worse.

Why was that?

When I first stumbled into Oneness, I felt the Peace that lived there.  It enveloped my soul and my inner turmoil diminished to a great degree.  I thought I could live from this experience permanently.

It did not work that way.

Instead, I was dropped back into my separate experience.  It was more painful than ever because I had experienced Truth.  I had pulled back the veil of illusion and I could not take away this Knowing.

Trying to live as a separate, small self seemed wrong somehow.

“In fact, it is much more painful to act in a way that we know is not true once we’ve seen that it is not true.”

-Adyashanti 

‘The End of Your World’

Now that I am farther on the path, it is still painful attempting to live as separate, but I do not mind it as much as I did before.  Now, I allow the small self to have her experiences, her judgments and her fears.  Beyond this allowing is Truth always humming in the background.

I am less concerned how far this small self will go on her path of awakening.  Therefore, I am kinder to her and this is an easier way to exist as a separate self.

Truth is whole, it encompasses all.  It leaves no stone unturned or dark corner unlit.

I have done my part, Truth will undo the rest.