Tag Archive | facing our fears

The In Between

I am a mystic.  Before you get too excited that I carry the answers of the universe within my soul, well, I’m not that kind of mystic.  I’m more the ordinary soccer-mom variety that feels clueless most of the time.

Here’s a definition (courtesy of dictionary.com) I found that most closely represents my experience of being a mystic:

a person who claims to attain, or believes in the possibility of attaining, insight into mysteries transcending ordinary human knowledge, as by direct communication with the divine or immediate intuition …

I never set out to be a mystic.  And if I did, I’d certainly want to be the kind that has their sh*t figured out.  Instead, I’m the kind that perceives weird stuff that no one else does and I have to pretend I don’t for fear of… well, just plain fear.

For example, I see white light emanating from people and/or objects fairly regularly.  Sometimes, solid objects become fluid and wavy when I look at them.  I can intuit people’s moods and feelings often before they can.  The kicker with this is it’s usually the stuff they are trying mightily to avoid so when I speak about it, I appear to be talking about something that is completely irrelevant.  I spend most of my time trying to say the things that people want to hear instead of what they maybe need to hear.  If someone is sick, hurting or physically uncomfortable, I feel it.  Sometimes my body mirrors their pain and sometimes I feel a general sense of unease instead.  If I’m able to name it out loud that sometimes helps.  But it’s weird in certain situations to say, “Your knee hurts, doesn’t it?”  especially when it’s not a topic currently being discussed, so again, back to trying to talk about what is acceptable and not what I’m sensing.

I’ve lived my whole life this way, denying what I know to be true most of the time.

It’s possible all this weird stuff isn’t what sets me apart, but actually may be the path that is leading me to oneness.

So very often we think the ‘weird stuff’ about us is why we remain unloved.  That’s not true.  It’s simply an invitation to really see what is true in front of us.

Am I different?

Maybe.

All I know is that I can’t keep denying what my experiences are and I’ll see where it leads me.

Farther away from here or closer to there?

It’s the in between that makes no sense.

 

Take Me to the River

I was strolling by myself in the woods one day when I happened upon a river.  Since I felt uncomfortably alone in the spot where I stood, I made my way out into the open air towards the gushing water.  The constancy and surging strength of the current comforted me.  It made me feel less alone.

You see my journey thus far had been harrowing.  It had felt like the faster I walked through the forest, the less progress I made.  It made no sense.  I made no sense.

But here, right next to this bubbling cadence of soul-cleansing water, I stopped my journey completely.

It was time to change my plan of action.  The new action plan required that I stop taking any action.

I only needed to be still.

The banks were rocky and appeared to be jutting and jagged in a way that was anything but inviting.  Since I could no longer take action, I was forced to sit. Once I sat down I noticed that the rocks were actually quite smooth.  They felt good against my crossed-legs and backside.  Given I was no longer making progress, I was happy that at least I was comfortable.

I sat in stillness for a long while.

The river called to me.

How does a river call you may wonder?  Not by words but by example.  A river is a river.  It never once in the whole dawn of its existence was anything other than a river.  That’s not to say it didn’t evolve over time. Sometimes it was massive in its force, other times it was slow and meandering. Still, it was always a river.

The river’s call was my invitation.  It was inviting me to join in its authenticity.

I liked that idea very much but I was afraid.

While I had been sitting in stillness, a crowd of people had gathered behind me on the banks of the river. These were the people I had been trying to find this whole time!  My journey was over…or so it seemed.

Somehow, the pull of the river was more powerful than belonging.

I made a choice.

I chose the river and simply waved goodbye to all the people I had so desperately wanted to see.

Of course I still wanted to be with the people.  That’s where it’s at, right?  We are taught other people are the ticket to loving ourselves.  It’s through their acceptance that we are able to have the courage to love ourselves.

But, I didn’t see it quite that way anymore.  Maybe the wisdom of the river was on to something.  Maybe if I could at least stick my toes in the water, I would no longer care about fitting in with anyone or anywhere.  I would let the strength of the river sustain me.

I knew this would be enough.

I quickly slipped off my hiking boots and peeled off my socks.  I admit there was still fear within my soul as I endeavored to place my toes into that rushing surface.  What if it’s too cold?  What if who-I-really-am is not enough?

I did it anyway.

Turns out, the river was everything I never knew I needed and more.  Turns out, I was already everything I never knew I needed and more.  The river and I were one.

I was emboldened by the joy that flowed through my body simply by connecting with this powerful source of authentic love.

I submerged both my feet.

I may have been alone but I felt more alive than ever before.

I was free.

I knew from that point on I was going to do whatever it took to express whatever was in my heart exactly in the moment that it would arise.  The approval of others and the search for belonging were over.

I was home.

As I continued to bask in the river’s love, something caught my attention.  Out of the corner of my eye I noticed another brave soul had joined me.  They said, “Seeing you in the river has given me the courage to put my toes in, too.  Are you sure it’s safe?”

I replied, “It’s 100% safe.  You are going to be your truest self when you are in the river.  It is the most sustained joy you can experience while being on earth.”

I could tell this was extremely tempting to them.  They asked more questions.  “But what if my friends and family don’t understand my truest self?  What if they leave me?”

In their eyes was the same fear I had experienced a few short moments before.  Instead of comforting them, I gave the truth.  “Your friends and family may not understand your truest self.  They may make fun of you, say hurtful things or when all is said and done, they may walk right out of your life forever.”

At hearing this, the near river adventurer became frozen with doubt.

Even though I knew they did not want to hear more of the truth, I continued. “I didn’t tell you that to stop you in any way.  All I can offer you is my example.  Here I am.  I am standing with both my feet fully submerged in the river.  I am free here.  I would love to have my family and friends join me, but now I know without hesitation that it’s okay if they don’t.  I have a feeling the ones that matter the most to me are going to honor my river journey.  In fact, the bravest ones may even join me.  All I can do is be me, be free and let them be.”

With that, I took my first giant step towards the other side of the river bank.

I didn’t look back.

Not even once.

Leave the Rest

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The road to Truth is different for everyone.  For me, I have been on a search to make sense of the Truth that has crept into my awareness for years and years.  I was mostly able to write it off for a good chunk of my life, but then it got too loud and I set out on my quest for answers.  I used to write a lot of poetry.  Somehow the prose reflected back to me a self I could slightly recognize.  I read a lot in my search for my answers and I still do.  The spiritual text that has resonated most profoundly for me is A Course in Miracles.  Still, there are aspects of it that seem very specific to the woman who transcribed it.  So, I take what works for me and I leave the rest.

This should be the mantra of all spiritual seekers.

Take what works for you and leave the rest.

How are we all searching for exactly the same thing and there are infinite ways to get there?  Wouldn’t it make sense if there was only one path that led to Truth?

We are all different.  Therefore, all of our paths will be different.

Different has nothing to do with being wrong or right, it only has to do with being different.

If you leave judgment behind, which would be ideal, different isn’t bad or scary.  Different is just different.

Sometimes when we are extremely scared or confused we mistake others and their  differing beliefs to be at the root of our fear.

This is not so.  At least not in my experience.  I am completely freaking out because my awareness of the world has turned upside down not because someone else believes differently than I do.  If someone is content on their path this does not repel me, it draws me to them.  What is it that they know that brings them peace?  I want that.  Please share.  At the end of the day I’ll take what works for me and I’ll leave the rest.

“You must find your own way to your own truth.  For before each and every one of you lies your pathway, a doorway, an eye of the needle, through which only you can fit.”

The Way of Mastery p. 42

Shanti Christo Foundation

The Holiest of Moments


Every moment of your life is Holy.  If used for Truth, each moment contains direction Home.  Even a seemingly mundane interaction can hold a wealth of knowledge about where you are on your path.

Are you anxious?  Are you relaxed?  Are you kind?  Are you cranky?

When a moment angrily pushes us towards our quiet center, then we know we have struck gold.

The moments that unfurl seamlessly with love are also showing us the way.  These moments mean we are aligning our compass with Truth.

I am learning the moments that are my darkest are truly a treasure trove of Light.  How else would I realize that I’m holding so much judgment in my heart?  I wouldn’t.  I would keep on my merry way.  I would continue to erroneously believe the whole world except me was responsible for how awful I feel sometimes.  It never is about the other person, situation, or circumstance.  It’s only me and what I bring to it.  Am I bringing fear?  Then I have unexamined fear in my heart.  Am I bringing negative judgment?  Then I have a pit of despair in my soul that I have yet to dissect.

The bad moments are sometime our most glorious.

Are you up for looking within?

Most days I’m not.  The world has other ideas.  It is on a continuous loop of good and bad.

The key to growth is to graciously acknowledge with a loving heart what you judge as good, and to question unabashedly anything you deem as bad.  Good means the personal self is aligning with the Holy Self.  This is preparing you for your eventual realization that you are always Home.  Bad means that you have distorted stories of separation from Source stockpiled within your soul.  Looking directly at these stories is hard work.  It is soul-crushing sometimes.  But that’s the point.  Your soul has to be crushed before it can reconfigure to permanent alignment with Source.

One moment, one day, one story at a time.

All of it Holy.

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Right Now

Everything holds the opportunity to open to the Divine.  Each day holds all that is needed to awaken.

It is important to remember enlightenment is not an instantaneous transformation.  It is years of consciously choosing to be fully present over and over until it sticks.  Even then, if you identify as a personal self, your work is not done.  It may seem a little easier with time and practice but it isn’t over.  It’s not over until it is.

There are a few that walk among us that appear farther along on their path.  There truly isn’t a way to measure spiritual growth.  Either you are open to Truth or you aren’t.  Both are acceptable ways of being in the world.  Where ever you are is perfection.

One thing that confounded me forever, was the idea that all we need to do is bring Presence to every aspect of our lives to transform it.  While this is true, I grappled with the idea that something as mundane as doing laundry was TRANSFORMATIVE.  Repetitive and mundane, yes,…transformative, no thank you.

The more I read about mindfulness and attempted to incorporate it into all facets of my life, the more confounded I felt.  No matter how hard I tried, I couldn’t be peacefully attentive while doing tasks I hated (I’m still not).  I started to feel like a huge spiritual failure.

My understanding of being present is changing.  While I immensely dislike certain tasks throughout my day, I simply accept that I am uncomfortably bored by them.  Maybe you can relate to that feeling of wanting to be anywhere but where you are.  Maybe you understand that most of us will do all we can to avoid stillness at all costs.

What are we afraid of?

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God’s Heartbeat

If I allow my thoughts to fall away, I can hear the heartbeat of God.

As God’s heartbeat speaks to me all the time, I mostly try to ignore it so I can fit into the world.  This takes a lot of work this ignoring of God’s heartbeat.  If I drop my fear and judgment either by choice or on accident, I connect to the Love within the heartbeat.  I’m not very good at staying there.  It’s a much different experience than being in the world.  While it is timeless, loving and peaceful, there isn’t anything there that a tiny self can understand.  Eventually, my tiny self gets uncomfortable in this vacuum of peace and returns to the world.  Each time I leave Love and return to the world, the harder it is to be in the world.  This is because now I know the world is no longer true.  Only Love is true.

The world is in constant change.  Nothing ever remains static.  There are ups and downs and twists and turns.  Something that changes constantly is not true.

God’s heartbeat is constant, eternal and never changes.  It is always true.

The choice is up to me, do I keep denying God’s heartbeat and lose myself in the turbulent, unpredictable story of the tiny self, or do choose the comforting constancy of Love?

Right now, choosing Love still seems too hard.  Why choose Love if I’m the only one who is there within the vacuum not able to understand it?  My tiny self is still afraid of its power.

For now, I go back and forth between these experiences.

I am Love, then I am not.

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Into the Well

My tiny self creeps to the edge of the well.  She looks down.  There isn’t a glimmer of light anywhere.  She sees only nothingness.

My True Self is there too.  She unfortunately fell headfirst into the well.  She managed to somehow maneuver herself to the side of the well.  She is there in the darkness clinging to the crevices of the slippery cool stones.  She is enveloped by the vacuum of night.  She is able to see up and out.  From her vantage point she sees her tiny self peering down at her, but she knows her tiny self can’t see her.  My True Self is completely alone.  She is in a panic.  She tries to shout, she tries to pray.  She considers trying to climb back up to her tiny self but she isn’t very strong and her tiny self is so far away.   It doesn’t take long for her to know she is stuck in the darkness.

My True Self then has a flash of vision.  In the vision she lets go.

That’s crazy.

That’s insane.

Who is stupid enough to let go and fall into the darkness?

The thought of letting go sends shooting icicles of fear from her limbs straight into her soul.

She will never let go.

After many years, my True Self tires.

She isn’t as committed to trying to reunite with her tiny self.

Maybe there’s another way.

Maybe it’s time to let go.

My True Self has another vision.  In it she lets go again.  She falls for a long, long time.

What is the fate that awaits her?

Turns out, it’s Total Safety.

There are pillows and beauty and Love.

Love awaits her if she will only be brave enough to let go.

 

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