When we begin our journey to uncover the Truth of Who-We-Really-Are, it’s usually because who we believed we were is imploding. Our life is so off course that we no longer recognize it or ourselves. We look around us and see despair. Once hope has left us we finally make the decision for Truth. Our tiny selves believe we can fix what is broken in our lives by finding God. God will have the answers we need. God will make everything beautiful again.
Only God isn’t about the world. I repeat, God isn’t about changing the world. God is about changing your perceptions of what shows up in your world. God is about Love. It’s a strange realization that seeking God doesn’t change your life. At first, this is about the worst news an already suffering tiny self could hear. Are you kidding me? I searched and I prayed and I followed and I read and I meditated and I opened my heart and NOTHING CHANGES? Why am I working my ass off trying to find God when it DOESN’T EVEN MATTER!?!?!
Seeking for God will break your heart. You remember all those unanswered prayers? All those times you prayed for guidance and all you heard in return was the sound of nothingness? Look around you, how much injustice do you see right now? How much injustice have you already lived through? Does it seem crazy to you that God would create a world that is so cruel and unfair?
At some point if you get so deep into seeking, you will hit a wall so massive that you will have to stop. You are going to be destroyed by this and angrier than you’ve ever been in your entire life. You will stop trying to move this immovable wall and you will drop to your knees. You may even weep or curse or try to kick the wall a few more half-hearted times. As tiny selves, we can be extremely slow on the uptake.
Eventually, you will fall back and collapse. You will be under the impression that you have given up. You will believe that all hope is lost and that there is no reason to keep going.
This is what surrender looks like. Believe me I know, there is a fine line between giving up and surrender. Sometimes we have to give up in order to surrender. We are that stubborn.
I gave up a while ago. I hate that stupid wall. Maybe I surrendered because I learned nothing I do as a tiny self changes anything. I’m still lost and afraid. How much more can one person pray? How much more can one person do?
Nothing is the only thing left to do.
I guess that means it’s in God’s Hands now. He’s in control by default.
Show me what you’ve got.